Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
