there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
