I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Two words: nipple clamps
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