I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
