I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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