Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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