I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
