Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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