we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
