Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Shame is for Republicans.
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