I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
