you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
