so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
