now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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