I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
