so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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