nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
