Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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