when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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