it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
