Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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