i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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