I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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