He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
