OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
