just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
