so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
