Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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