When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
