Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
