if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
