My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
