Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
