I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
