i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
