I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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