are you still at the devil's house?
I need to stop coming to work sober
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Randomize
