I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
