I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
