what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
