Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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