I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm both gender and math confused
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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