watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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