Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
