So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
