Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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