my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
