what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
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Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
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I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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