Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
