Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
