i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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