I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
