No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
