you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My ass is underappreciated
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
