I accidentally burped into my bong.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
