So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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