Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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