I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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