goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
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