Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
