so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
