so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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